Always leave them wanting their money back.
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Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush