Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

her: what do you do for a living

me: I can’t tell you

her: like a spy

me: no I’m an eye doctor

her: oh an ophthalmologist

me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

Its a hippotatomus

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.