I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
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my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.