I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”