@NikiWithIssues

Dad: Let’s talk, we never talk.
Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something…
Dad: You can tell me anything.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dad: Get out.

You Might Also Like

@Bob_Heller

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

@tayandmae

According to my current parking spot I’m a physician

@unravelingfire

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

@JasonLastname

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

@BettieLoves

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

@LeviathanPride

Kim Jong Un is 30, runs a dictatorship, executes ex-girlfriends, and openly threatens to annihilate the US. What am I doing with MY life?

@noog

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

@Izianikapani

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

@aissalanis

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.