Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Dad: Let’s talk, we never talk.
Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something…
Dad: You can tell me anything.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dad: Get out.
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Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
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I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Kim Jong Un is 30, runs a dictatorship, executes ex-girlfriends, and openly threatens to annihilate the US. What am I doing with MY life?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
if i were a dinosaur id be a chicken nugget