“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

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Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds


A “lady” and a “woman” are exactly the same thing unless they are prefaced with cat.


If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’


Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.


calling your friend “brother from another mother” or “sister from another mister”

– kinda boring
– overdone
– no gender neutral alternative

calling your friend “a clown from the same circus”

– grabs ur attention
– what circus? tell me more
– gender neutral
– bond like no other


I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”


“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman


The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in


Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.