@CauseWereDads

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

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@AnkCoupleTO

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

@bytaylorcox

A “lady” and a “woman” are exactly the same thing unless they are prefaced with cat.

@hashtag_stacks

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

@ZombieProblms

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

@enbyjirou

calling your friend “brother from another mother” or “sister from another mister”

– kinda boring
– overdone
– no gender neutral alternative

calling your friend “a clown from the same circus”

– grabs ur attention
– what circus? tell me more
– gender neutral
– bond like no other

@DanLaMorte

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

@SteveSuckington

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

@tastefactory

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

@OrdinaryAlso

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.