One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
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Single women are so tired of hearing:
“Oh, don’t worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.”
I mean have you seen those beach clean ups?! Theres a lot of garbage in the sea.
Everyone’s all worried about the sea turtles & I’m over here trying not to date a serial killer.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil
*puts wedding tape in VCR
Why don’t they allow computers in prison? Is it because of the escape button?
I think it’s because of the escape button.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Idk if I wanna be a person anymore… kinda wanna be that naked garden gnome in my neighbors yard..
LOIS LANE: *pulls back from kissing* clark your glasses are hurting my nose can you take them off
CLARK KENT: no
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.