Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
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Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Basically.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?