@chuuew

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

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@mc_funbags

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

@bobvulfov

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

@djdarrellripley

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

@KentWGraham

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

@khook32

One of these days you’ll see the real me.

Probably next week. I’m almost out of concealer.

@animesvns

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

@Skoog

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

@JohnLyonTweets

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.