DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

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I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.


[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift


Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.


My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.


One of these days you’ll see the real me.

Probably next week. I’m almost out of concealer.


The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one


At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.


If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.