DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
You Might Also Like
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.