Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
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[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
checking out some reviews of my local library
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.