Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Me: it’s complicated
Dad: Maybe we should do it
Mom: You know it’s I-N-A-P-P-R-O-P-R-I-A-T-E to talk about it in front of the kids
6: What’s inappropriate Mom?
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This girl won’t stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Me: no his hearing is fine
I don’t know why I have to jog with you, you’re the fat one.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Her: ID please
Me: my beard is almost white
Her: still need it
Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station
me: make food to eat
chefs: make food to make money to buy food
am I the only smart one on this website????
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?