Dad: Maybe we should do it

Mom: You know it’s I-N-A-P-P-R-O-P-R-I-A-T-E to talk about it in front of the kids

6: What’s inappropriate Mom?

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Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated


This girl won’t stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.


Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine


I don’t know why I have to jog with you, you’re the fat one.



Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.


Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”


Her: ID please

Me: for?

Her: alcohol

Me: my beard is almost white

Her: still need it

Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station


me: make food to eat

chefs: make food to make money to buy food

am I the only smart one on this website????


[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*


I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?