@JustDontBugMe

Dad: Maybe we should do it

Mom: You know it’s I-N-A-P-P-R-O-P-R-I-A-T-E to talk about it in front of the kids

6: What’s inappropriate Mom?

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@BunAndLeggings

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

@Sickayduh

This girl won’t stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

@thatUPSdude

I don’t know why I have to jog with you, you’re the fat one.

~Dogs

@MumInBits

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

@WilliamRodgers

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

@TheMichaelRock

Her: ID please

Me: for?

Her: alcohol

Me: my beard is almost white

Her: still need it

Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station

@parsfarce

me: make food to eat

chefs: make food to make money to buy food

am I the only smart one on this website????

@KattsDogma

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

@SarcasticSadOne

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?