Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
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All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Me, after a minor inconvenience: