Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
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What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
*pronounces UPS like yoops
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.