“My date was cute but he couldnt perform in the bedroom.”
*cuts to me in bedroom butchering Wonderwall on guitar* i swear this never happens
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
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The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*
My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
“how is school going?”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I’m at my most “penguin”, when I’m walking to get more toilet paper with my shorts around my ankles.