DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
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I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
🤭😂
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it