DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

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“My date was cute but he couldnt perform in the bedroom.”
*cuts to me in bedroom butchering Wonderwall on guitar* i swear this never happens


The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.


CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on


Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*


My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed


I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink


I’m at my most “penguin”, when I’m walking to get more toilet paper with my shorts around my ankles.