Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@trentistweeting

“My date was cute but he couldnt perform in the bedroom.”
*cuts to me in bedroom butchering Wonderwall on guitar* i swear this never happens

@Sassafrantz

The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.

@Brampersandon_

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

@portmanteauface

Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*

@allyneedy

My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed

@MorphineDreamzz

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

@Mindless4Miles

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

@SchooIAnswer

“how is school going?”

@dumbbeezie

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

@JoshontheGo

I’m at my most “penguin”, when I’m walking to get more toilet paper with my shorts around my ankles.