Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
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Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.