@ImMelanieGibson

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

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@warne888

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

@ShutUpThatsWho

*job interview*
Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?
*pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers*
I want to help people

@murrman5

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

@pdxjohnny99

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

@AnOrangeSNES

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

@drinksmcgee

Me, pretending to make an effort when I really don’t want to do something.

@Illiter8

It’s like my dad always said, “How did you get this number?!”

@simoncholland

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

@jctwritesstuff

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL