When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
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Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?
*pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers*
I want to help people
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Me, pretending to make an effort when I really don’t want to do something.
It’s like my dad always said, “How did you get this number?!”
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
ISIS, meet ebola. Ebola, meet ISIS. Problem solved.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL