Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
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Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Put this video in the Louvre
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Google assistant rules
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.