Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
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[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy