Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
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*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty