@MarfSalvador

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

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@TravLeBlanc

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

@Brianhopecomedy

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

@fro_vo

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ?? ???? is ????? ???? and ?? ????.

@hippieswordfish

*emerges from a large magic lamp,* it’s me the Reasonable genie, please only wish for things like ‘drive me to the airport’

@rolldiggity

CASHIER: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”
ME: “Oh, yes…” [places “How To Murder A Cashier” book on counter]

@DustinAHarkins

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Receptionist: So you’re here about your carpal tunnel huh..fill out these 20 forms and press hard so the copies are clear

@Sickayduh

Top Gun (PG) – 1986

A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots’ bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them – 110 mins

@krisv_723

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.