Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
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BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
😅🤣😂
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.