@BoogTweets

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

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@LuvPug

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

@RunOldMan

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

@BlancheDD140

‘No Panties Tuesday’ is a thing, right?

Or AKA, I really need to do some laundry.

@meganamram

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

@jergarl

[At gang interview]

GangLeader: You wanna be in our gang

Me: Yep

GL: What qualities do you..

M: *Already snapping fingers

GL: You’re in

@ReticentTurnip

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

@OohSnapItsChris

I like to whisper my questions to the Librarian so they can ask me to speak louder

@omgthatspunny

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

@Kyle_Lippert

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

@envydatropic

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*