Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

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I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.


I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.


‘No Panties Tuesday’ is a thing, right?

Or AKA, I really need to do some laundry.


Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!


[At gang interview]

GangLeader: You wanna be in our gang

Me: Yep

GL: What qualities do you..

M: *Already snapping fingers

GL: You’re in


I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters


I like to whisper my questions to the Librarian so they can ask me to speak louder


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.


Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.


If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*