[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
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I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.