me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
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I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
technically true but not a great slogan
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.