Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
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As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
The devil.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5