The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
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Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.