dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
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My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”