@BlindChow

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

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@Megatronic13

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

@LorieGZ

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

@lmegordon

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

@JB4Realz

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

@therealeatwood

ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining?

[A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]

@junkyardigan

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

@eeethanford

But I would walk 500 miles

and I would walk 500 more

to be the man who walked 1000 miles

to get away from you.

I want a divorce.

@AnExocticBeach

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

@Jandalize

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?