Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
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Some questions in life you don’t even need to ask. Like when your child tells you they need to go to the store at 8pm to get stuff for a project.
You know 1) they’ve known about it for three weeks and 2) it’s due tomorrow.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Jehovah’s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me: -dramatic pauses?