Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
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Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes