@BlindChow

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

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@sarcasticmommy4

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

@Divergentmama

Some questions in life you don’t even need to ask. Like when your child tells you they need to go to the store at 8pm to get stuff for a project.

You know 1) they’ve known about it for three weeks and 2) it’s due tomorrow.

@primawesome

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

@bourgeoisalien

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

@PaperWash

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

@MyNameIsArchaic

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

@seriouslyemily

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

@amydillon

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

@DaaNoggs

Jehovah’s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes

@FredTaming

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?