[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
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Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.