@BlindChow

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

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@EJGomez

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

@lolajxx

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

@KrangTNelson

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

@Lisabug74

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

@TheCatWhisprer

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

@JohnsonDiaz21

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

@runner_mom2

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

@Cpin42

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

@MorticiaKate

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

@JensenClan88

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.