Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
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Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.