Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

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Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.


I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.


Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.


The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.


I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.


Me: I don’t feel like driving home.

5: I’ll drive.

Me: You’re not old enough yet.

5: and my feet won’t reach the pedals.

Me: And that.


Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.


Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016


“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”


doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done