Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
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I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?