Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
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Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England