@newLettuce

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

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@SincerelyMen

I saw a man at the beach screaming, “Help, shark, help!” I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him.

@MrEd_EVH

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

@Reverend_Scott

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

@neiltyson

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

@jennifereblue

I don’t remember all of last night but the fact I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome!

@Birdhumms

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

@SleazySli

I’m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.

@Just_Beachy72

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…