Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
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First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.