I bet Pope Benedict will appear on Celebrity Rehab this season.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
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I saw a man at the beach screaming, “Help, shark, help!” I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I don’t remember all of last night but the fact I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome!
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I’m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.