Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
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As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.