PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
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Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
*picks up rotary phone*
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off.
Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
God: You know *hip thrusts*
?When the moon hits your eye?
You’ll be killed.