Son: Why are we doing this?
Mom: Because it’s a traditional teenage event you kids still deserve to have
Daughter: Well I’m mortified
Dad: *From the turntables* Whassup Mortified, I’m DJ Dad and welcome to HOME SCHOOL PROM!
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
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I don’t like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Restaurant Hostess: “Sorry about the wait.”
Me: “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize for being overweight.”
I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
– Fancy restaurants
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!