@simoncholland

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

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@Browtweaten

Son: Why are we doing this?

Mom: Because it’s a traditional teenage event you kids still deserve to have

Daughter: Well I’m mortified

Dad: *From the turntables* Whassup Mortified, I’m DJ Dad and welcome to HOME SCHOOL PROM!

@liv_thatsme

I don’t like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.

@Ygrene

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

@TheToddWilliams

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

@BillMc7

Restaurant Hostess: “Sorry about the wait.”
Me: “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize for being overweight.”

@dugglebutt

I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.

@AimeeHelene1

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

@TheAlexNevil

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!