@simoncholland

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

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@Chumpstring

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

@thtchicmichelle

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

@squirrel74wkgn

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

@peteholmes

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

@dumbbeezie

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

@IMBeanz

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

@Manali_Shetye5

Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off.

Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!

@BoogTweets

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*