“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
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My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I only treason on days ending in y
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.