One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
You Might Also Like
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize