Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
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BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
uh oh
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.