Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
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*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”