DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
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Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?