Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
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Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
If you blow out the kid’s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.