@truegritrumble

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

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@AbbieEvansXO

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

@Browtweaten

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

@AbbieEvansXO

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

@DadandBuried

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

@McNevich

Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman

@Shut_up_Marissa

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

@BadassBarbie11

If you blow out the kid’s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.