I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
You Might Also Like
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!