*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
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God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do