Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
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I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different