Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
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Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.