Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
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My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Feels like the fourth month in January
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.