@HatfieldAnne

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

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@ehdannyboy

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

@donni

Slowly, Waldo’s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together

@MooseAllain

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

@MattMcC1

the worst part of being a chuck e cheese janitor is having to kiss each ball in the ballpit goodnight before i turn the lights out.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

@pinningnut

I never question my sanity, I’m afraid it will answer back.

@PhoenixRises69

It makes me sad that the closest I’ll ever get to ‘hulking out’ is splitting my trousers when I bend over.