Everybody always says they want a fairytale wedding, but when I show up and curse their newborn, suddenly I’m a jerk.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
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I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.