@HatfieldAnne

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

You Might Also Like

@dizzydes86

Everybody always says they want a fairytale wedding, but when I show up and curse their newborn, suddenly I’m a jerk.

@markydoodoo

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

@RichardDawkins

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

@TheBoydP

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

@MissSassy_Pants

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

@Rollmaninoz

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…

@BigJDubz

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

@Cheeseboy22

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.