*dad walks in on me doing homework*
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

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There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.


The best thing about being Bane has gotta be that he can just slice a hardboiled egg straight into his pie hole


While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed


If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.


Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance


Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.


Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!


Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.


Who called it death by autoerotic asphyxiation and not final fantasy