I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
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[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Don’t waste your time going to the library looking for books on suicide….. no one ever brings them back.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB