ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
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A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Greatest headline of the day:
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
When my wife dressed up as Catwoman, I didn’t know it’d mean she’d quit her job, sleep 23 hrs a day and spend the other hour licking herself
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS