@Kodotropo

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

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@Anita_nap

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

@nbadag

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

@Marlebean

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

@roadkill3x

Don’t waste your time going to the library looking for books on suicide….. no one ever brings them back.

@NEthingButWork

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

@NoTheOtherJohn

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

@seancehat

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

@AnnietheNanny1

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

@Michael1979

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

@mrjohndarby

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB