*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
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I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT