Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
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Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
hackers play passwordle
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road