“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
You Might Also Like
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
My time has come.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Guantanamo Bae
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.