We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
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What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.