“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

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A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.


Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns


I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.


I would totally surf a tsunami. If I didn’t get nauseous on water. And if tsunamis weren’t dangerous. And I knew how to surf.


“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*


If dumping the last of your chips into the dip and eating it like cereal is wrong then I don’t wanna be right.


Told my British pal I wanted him to take me to pound town.

Well, we are at the dollar store if anyone needs anything.


How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?


Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.


Me: hey dad, what did you do before the internet?
Dad: you have thirteen bros n sisters, do the math son.