I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
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odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
As the Lord intended
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Reporter: *ports again*
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
The struggle is real