@Sickayduh

DAD: What happened to your car?

SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn’t work.

DAD: Well…

SON: Don’t-

DAD: There’s no going back now

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@UnFitz

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

@the_moonface

Maybe if we start smacking people when they say something stupid, evolution will eventually create a delay between thinking and speaking.

@evilbart24

Uber driver: ……….

Me: ………..

Uber driver: …………

Me: ………….

Uber driver: ………….

Me: …………….

Uber driver: …………….

Me: ………………

Uber driver: you have arrived

Me: 5 Stars

@cluedont

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

@weinerdog4life

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Want me to bring coffee up to bed?

What my wife said: If you want to

What I heard: If you want to live

@TheBoydP

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

@BattyMclain

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

@ericspeaksout

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.