Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
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[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.