“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
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I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
This is so me 😂😂
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.