“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

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“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain


Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”


I think Yahoo! news is written by someone who’s had significant head trauma.


I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.


I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in


Neighbor: Hey I’m sick of your dog doing his business on my lawn.
Me: Ok, sorry. *Walks over to my dog’s lawn lemonade stand* Hey, I told you it has to be on our lawn.


Taken 4: Liam Neeson’s daughter is kidnapped again. He calls up kidnappers and says “just keep her. She’s annoying and I’m tired of this”


BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.


According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.